Reunited!

Wow, this week has been an incredible spiritual journey for me! Sometimes weeks can go by and they are so mundane and so.....blah! But this week was incredible, at least the things that happened in my heart anyway! Ummmmm, this is a little difficult to admit, but since it's only a select few of my closest friends that will read this, I guess I'll be transparent. I was dealing with some sin in my heart for quite some time. I made excuses to God and to myself as to why it should not be considered as sin. If I saw it in someone else's life, I would have called it sin. But, you see, it's different when it's your own life! I did not hide it from God. I knew I couldn't. So I talked freely about it to Him. But, you see, I did all the talking. I was not interested in hearing what He had to say about it for fear He might convict me and I was not open to that. It truly bothers me how people can hide in their nice Mennonite clothing and look so righteous and holy and act so right that on one, not even their deepest friends can see any struggle going on. It's not right how we can hide so well, keep a facade so NO ONE knows. All the while I had it always present in my mind that eventually God sometimes gives people over to a debased mind and lets them believe their own lies since they refuse to believe the truth. I was not deceived, I knew all along that what I was messing with was shady and I was not one bit deceived. But I did fear a bit that it might come to the point of being blinded and that scared me a little. You know, sin really does put walls between Father God and His children; especially when you sin knowingly. I knew that, but all the while I tried to convince myself that my lacking relationship with the Father was a result of.....well........maybe business, etc. Certainly not this sin!

Finally I came to the point where I knew something had to change. Who likes to always hide things? Not me! Who likes to live in fear that someone will discover the truth you are trying so desparately to hide? Not me! Who likes to live in constant fear that just perhaps if I die, God will hold me accountable to that sin even though I'm trying to convince myself it's not sin? NOT ME!!!!!!! God really spoke to my heart a few weeks back and I chose to obey Him and relinquish my sin. However, it was not til last week that I totally gave up the last thread. It was so much a part of me that I could not just abandon it all in the snap of a finger. It went little by little and now it is 100% gone!

Bliss, unspeakable and full of glory! Ah, the feeling of having absolutely NOTHING to hide! NOTHING AT ALL! Living again with ZERO fear! I'd forgotten what that was like! I feel like Christian in Pilgrim's Progress, my burden went rolling to the foot of the cross and I feel as light as a feather. I cannot say much more, or it will disclose too much info on the whole situation, but rest assured that it is making a huge difference in my life. I'm actually grateful I went through it, because now I will be alot more forgiving and patient with others who struggle with sin.

Ah, and now about the reuniting part.......I'm a daughter of the King once again. I was all along. But now I feel like I am, not just know that I am! My sin had separated me from God to the point that He was just God to me, and that was all. Now He is once again my Beloved, the Lover of my soul and my Abba (Daddy). Once again I am going to sleep, knowing that I am safe in His arms. He wooed me back and now I look at Him as my Groom, the one whom I want to be beautiful to. I really like the Abba part. Now, once again when I go to bed, as I fall asleep, I can picture in my mind...I am sitting on Abba Father's lap, with my head against His chest and his arms around me tight and my arms around Him and his chin down against my head and I sleep the entire night as I rest on Him. Okay, some of you might think this is silly and sacrilegious but to me it is more than beautiful. I feel like a princess again.

I believe in meaning the words that I sing in a song. I am not comfortable singing a song that I cannot mean from the heart. Now I can sing "It is well with my soul" again and mean it from the heart. Ah, it's so very good to be free!